I was going to take the high road and make the title complicated but love in itself is already a complication. Presently I have about 7 drafts. They are supposed to be publications but they didn’t make the mark. They are not as good as I want them to be, not like anything I publish here actually makes the ‘mark’ but they are worse than those I guess. I really want to write more on here because I started blogging to create a community and safe space for myself and whosoever desires to feel safe in their emotions just like me. I write here because I’m trying to show sides of myself I really used to think would never be vaidated maybe they don’t need to be anyway. I should be reading right now by the way but I need to talk to you guys as much.
So since this is our safe space, I’ve decided to talk about something I’m scared of feeling. Love. From my perspective love is unexplainable except you actually do get to feel it. Love is something we feel differently and somehow claim to feel the same way.
I think it was last year that I realised that not all of us will actually be lucky enough to ever experience it the way we want it. And they’ll tell you it’s fine everytime but it actually isn’t. Wouldn’t it hurt if for no reason at all, you don’t get what you believe you deserve?
I actually wasn’t always like this, I mean, sheilding myself from the that four letter word. Once upon a time I was eager to feel it. I never got hurt by anyone but I’ve grown to develop trust issues and to think of factors that will cause more hurt than heartbreak.
Loss. What if, just what if you lose the one true love you had? Hear me out, I’m not trying to make love feel dark or make you avoid feeling any emotion you want to feel but life really never tells us what to expect. It just throws lemons at us and sometimes we can’t even make lemonades with the lemons because the lemons are spoilt already. Pain is something I know and the intensity of it is honestly scary.
Pain sucks. It acts out being the safe haven and it’s actually the best option in the scenario of loss. So yeah, it sucks. I’ll stop talking about loss and go on to talk about other reasons I’m scared to feel an emotion as intense as love.
Even the Bible told us that “Love is as strong as death”.
I’m scared of becoming heartbroken. Heartbreak is the key to bitterness. As hard as some of the Twitter heartbreak stories make me laugh, it sounds painful. The genuineness I’ve heard when my friends tell me something that has to do with heartbreak has made my heart race far away from the feeling. Everyone acts so disconnected nowadays and maybe some people are going through the “hoe phase” but what of the people that wear their hearts on their sleeves? What if I never get myself to hate the person that hurt me? Or what if I never move on?
The story’s of these heartbreaks I hear are disheartening. While some people say you should get used to the fact that someone will break your heart and another will mend it or whatever that quote says, facing heartbreak doesn’t sit right with me. I know I try to ignore some feelings but I know for sure that ignoring this will be impossible.
I’m as scared of heartbreak as I am of hurting someone else. What if I fall out of it? Or i misread what I initially felt? Is it possible to keep falling for the same person everytime or whatever that quote says? I heard that staying in is harder than falling in and that gives me more anxiety and palpitations than I care to admit.
But for now, I just keep telling myself that I’m still young, I keep convincing myself that I’ll one day feel more comfortable and I’ll give myself less excuses. Maybe I will, maybe I’ll never I don’t know, time will tell but I’m happy I’ve admitted that I’m scared.