Hope. This year taught me that hope could be more than a word. It has the power to become a feeling that brings frustration and intense anger. While it could just be a belief of brighter days ahead. I’ve lost count of the number of times I had to use the word ‘hope’ this year. I got tired of it and on some days I hated it.
I had to tell myself as much as I told people that “I hope things will get better” and most times it didn’t work for me or the people I advised to believe. I told people that I hoped to see them soon and quite honestly I didn’t see any of them.
I lost myself several times and found the sides of myself that I never knew existed. I’m still finding myself. For now I’m still finding my balance and right footing.
Sometimes it got so hard. I had no idea what kept me going but for some reason I did keep going.
I forgot people and people forgot me. We are all right on our sides because we all had more than enough on our plates. I learnt valuable lessons as much as I developed bad habits.
I learnt to become more of myself and less of other people. I learnt to become the most authentic version of myself. I learnt to appreciate the littlest things in life
I struggled with my mental health and went through different phases. I lost trust in myself some days. On some days I felt nothing and I was sure I was dead on the inside. I didn’t find love, I didn’t make new friends and it’s fine.
I hid from pain that was staring me right in the face. I wasn’t bold enough to face it. I’m still not, I just pretend it doesn’t exist. Through the hardships and struggles there was always a still small voice that cried hope and I really wanted to find where it was or came from. I wanted to strangle it and make sure it never spoke again but I never found it and I’m glad I didn’t.
I had a hospital visit phase this year. I got through it by taking my hair down. It sorted out my comfort issues.
I rediscovered myself and found new things. A lot of them are still secrets that I’m learning to embrace and put to use.
I stopped caring about what I looked like. I stopped caring about what people thought of me because it didn’t really matter. I learnt to love my closest ones deeply.
I learnt that happy endings were not the goal. I learnt that my alternate self was having a really good time. I smiled, I laughed loudly and I sulked and cried.
I learnt to ward off negativity. I realised my inconsistencies and I still have unfinished works that I don’t plan to finish but should finish. I created a bond between myself and my various other personalities, I’m working to create a balance.
I learnt that thinking about my age a lot caused anxiety and fear. I learnt to stop making people a benchmark for my success.
I learnt that our voices mattered and when we came together we possessed strength that could move mountains. I learnt to stop settling for less. I learnt that running away from my problems never helped, it only magnified it.
I learnt to stop being a shadow of beauty standards. I learnt to be myself without my hair. I became more comfortable in my own skin. I learnt to create goals and to put in effort to achieve them.
I realised the people I had to hold on to. I knew who my real friends were and I knew the people I forced myself on. God preserved me and gave me hope.
Even though I hate to admit it, hope helped me get through the days that made me tired. So 2020 wasn’t all that bad for me because I learnt. I’m grateful for life, hope, family and friends. I’m grateful for my readers and the opportunity I have to write here. So cheers to escaping 2020 and a happy new year in advance.